Rambling means to talk aimlessly and endlessly. I'm going to try rambling as a writing exercises of sorts, an out pouring of my thoughts and junk. Unedited. I'm feeling the need to figure some things out, to sort through some stuff. I thought maybe my blathering on might help. I understand if you decide not to read past what you see on your google reader. I won't take it personally.
I'm spinning my wheels these days. Gettin' no where fast. My head is stuffed up, my ears are plugged. I have had a cold for three weeks now. I've been trying to keep my chin up, and not complain, but DOG-gone it! Enough is enough. And then to top it off I received the dreaded reminder call from my Gynaecologist that my annual exam was this Tuesday. UGH! double UGH! Golly, I hate getting checked up....literally. I do love my doctor, she was by my side for the births of two of my four kiddos. She gets me, she listens, but she has gotten very busy these days, and since I am done....yes DONE birthen' babies, ("Scarlett I don't know nothin bout birthen no babies!" sorry random movie quote popped into my cranium.) I have to see her physicians assistant, who doesn't really know me. Ya know?
OK I'll cut to the chase...yearly exam means yearly weigh in. I own a scale, but I NEVER use it. It messes with my head and my happiness, so I kicked that bad boy the curb years ago. But being weighed by my doctor is unavoidable. And this year...I knew I had gained weight. How much you ask? Guess. I made my husband guess. He treaded into that puddle very carefully..."Five???" He answered with apprehension, knowing that any extracurricular activities in the bedroom, might be thwarted by his answer...poor guy. "NO,not FIVE!", I squeaked. "Three??" I'm SURE, who cares about three pounds, MORE BOZO more. Oh, poor guy, he looked at me with that 'honestly do I have to play this game' look. "EIGHTEEN POUNDS, ONE EIGHT!!!! 18pounds, CAN you believe that?", I asked, of course not wanting to know if anyone could actually believe it. Ten pounds, is doable, fifteen is a bummer, but that's pushing TWENTY pounds PEOPLE. There it's out there. Phew, I said it and it's over...now you all know I have a growing peniculus hanging over my jeans. Sorry I am the wife of a physician...peniculus=muffin top or fat hanging generously over the top of my jeans. UGH! and again I say UGH!
So on top of my chronic stuffed up head, my nearly twenty pound weight gain, I've got a disc in my lower back that is bulging and making my leg numb.
DAM! (As in beaver dam...because I'm really not a cusser, so I get around it with incorrectly spelling it....eases my conscience.)
I don't want to complain. I dislike complainers. I strive to be a cup is half full kinda gal. I know I am blessed in so many ways. But these things have gotten me a bit down. These days my cup is half full of vinegar.
So enough about that. Blogging. What am I doing. Would I write if no one read? Should I strive to make more of this blog of mine than it is? What do I want?? What is the plan God has for this little Ol' chubby, small town mama? Do I need a plan. Isn't being blessed with a spectacular husband that provides for our family in ways that are far beyond my wildest expectations, having four healthy, over achieving kids, and basically just having a good life...isn't that good enough. I never been one to be able to sit still. I always want more, more, more....but what is the more these days?
I DON'T KNOW!
Well, I kinda do...here are some thoughts that have been tumbling around in my noggin.
1. Changing my blog completely. Name. Look. Turning into a .com. It would still be food focused...of course. But I am feeling the need to hone things. What is my focus. Do I have a focus. Basically, I NEED to focus.
2. I am working on a fundraiser cookbook for a camp that is near and dear to our family....I need to get that baby kicked started again, the holidays kinda distracted me from that project.
3. I love to travel. Traveling is more of a passion than food for me, but they actually go hand in hand, because when I travel it is all about the food. My first blog was actually a travel blog. I love that blog. This dream is vague. I just know I have a passion for traveling with my family, food, and writing about it. Hmmmm.
FACT about me: If I don't have some sort of travel planned, even if it is a year out, I will go stark raving mad. I live for trips. I once dreamed of being a flight attendant. Even got an interview with American Airlines. It wasn't in Gods plan for me....it's the only job I every a REALLY wanted and the only job I interviewed for and never got. I'm over it. (not really)
4. I have lots of cookbooks and cooking magazine subscriptions. I read them. But to be honest, I don't use them, but rarely. My goal is to find 2-4 new recipes a month from the cookbooks I have and share them with you.
5. Why have I stopped reading? I need to find time to read more. I love to read. I am reading a book right now. I can't put it down. Cutting for Stone by Abraham Verghese. I am sleep deprived right now because of this book.
6. Why is the song Granade running through my head night and day?? Why? It's got to be the stupidest (word?) song on the face of the earth at the moment. "I'd catch a granade fOe Ya, throw my hand on a blade FOE YA (who says that??), I'd jump in front of a train fOE ya (ok this I can understand) I'd do anything FOE ya....easy come easy go....take a bullet straight foe my brain...(one word: REEEdiculous...no one should take a bullet to the brain for anyone unless you are a secret service agent or something). It's catchy, he's got that one on me. My poor dog he has to endure me singing this song all day...yeh yeh yeh.
I guess this should be the end of my rambling. If you read all that, know that I love you for it, but not because of it. I would love you anyway. Speaking of love. One more thought: my oldest son is fourteen. I basically have three more years left with this child, three because I know that when he's a Senior in High School he's as good as gone. I have been more intentional about finding him, listening to him, hugging him. He still needs me now, but those days are fleeting. Sigh.....tears, and snot....I need a kleenex.